Saturday, October 25, 2008
Im Sorry Girl. Shame on me
25th Oct. I wont forget this date for quite some time. For it turns out to be the day where i hurt someone i love so much i feel so ashame. Fact that dear had an exam tml made me feel ten times worse. The day when our baby Piglet turn 10months old, i made her cry so much its ten times more then her usual volume of tears. =( Shame on you jeremy.
It all started when i expects my gf to be sweet. Even it didnt dawn on me that my top quality i look for in a girl would be her sweetness. Until today. I certainly didnt realise i put sweetness right at the top. I should have known this as whenever dear does something that is not sweet enough, it would upset me quite alot. I was always expecting her to be sweet and would turn moody or even emo when she doesnt. I thus made the wrong assumption that she's not loving. That proved to be the stupidest mistake i ever made in my life. For one not to be sweet, it doesnt equate to not being loving. I found out the hard way. And dear gave me a hard lesson on that. Somehow, it took me 8months to figure that out.
On the fateful day of 25th Oct, i was msging dear and it suddenly turned ugly. Msges usually filled with love suddenly turn to msges filled with resentment and anger. It proved to be very hurting too. Definitely one of the worst arguments we ever got ourselves into. At that point, i must admit i was so convinced you're the one at fault. I was feeling bitter about the fact that you never did anything sweet for me. I guess you know what i mean after that heart to heart talk last nite. When i question you about it, you grew upset and it must have hurt you alot especially when i think lowly of you. Looking back, i must say my myopic view landed me in piles of shit. Fuck me.
Yesterday, i learnt a very hard lesson on being sweet and being loving. They are not the same. I didnt know that previously. I wished i did. Wished someone had told me that so i could save the heartache from my dearest dear. Being un-sweet certainly doesnt mean unloving as i found out the hard way. Loving someone doesnt neccesary mean being sweet to that person although that applies to me. My gf loves me alot, i daresay. I'll not question her undying love for me. But one thing about her is that being sweet is not in her nature. At first i had problem acknowledging that. I tried to drop subtle hints here and there to make her start being sweet to me but failed. This send alarm bells ringing in my head as being sweet is the top attribute i looked out for. (i use looked because its past tense. =) i no longer look for that now) It upset me alot knowing my gf isnt the sweet girl i was looking for. It even made me have the unhealty thought whether she was the right girl. What rubbish! It must have been a grave mistake if i were to leave my gf just because she isnt sweet! One thing for sure, her love for me is something no one can ever match-whether the person is sweet or not.
After the heart to heart talk, i realised i upset her in a very BIG way and deserverd to be fucked upside down for my treatment to her. Oblivious to me, her feelings and emotions were directly proportional to mine. I didnt know a cold msg would send her tears flowing like river nile. Understandly so, ystd's feelings hurt her like never before. It literally tore through her. Ripped her to bits making her unable to study as efficient. This makes me sick when i thought of how fucked up im as her bf. I wasnt even considering the fact that she had a major exam the next day. =(
The final straw came when i even suggested to her i was thinking whether she was the right girl. This smashed her heart to smithereens as she had already looked upon me as Mr Right. Yet, i made it out as if i dont see her as Miss Right. That was crazy i know. To not want a girl who loved me so much. Im sorry girl. Your love for me deserved so much more. I should be glad i have such a loving gf who loves me with all of her heart. Yet i lamented her for not being sweet enough. Fuck me! Wake up Jeremy! Sweetness doesnt equate Love! I should know that by now. It'll be something im not going to forget for a long long time.
Seeing her yesterday, i wanted to hug her the moment i saw her. I heard her crying through the phone and knew i had to see her. After all, it was me who started this fucking mess, i had to answer for it. I must be the luckiest bastard who didnt appreciate me having such a loving gf. Upon seeing her tears trickling down her face, i realise how much hurt and grieve i caused. I wanted to protect the girl i loved yet there i was, hurting her. Not the best of bf. Soon, she said although i was the one that brought her the most happiness, i was the one that brought her the most tears too. Upon hearing that, i was speechless. I knew i had failed as her great bf. It set me thinking how bad i've been and how much improving i need. Not long later, i could feel tears welling up inside my eyes. I knew i had no right to tear aft causing her so much hurt yet there she was wanting to wipe my tears off my face. A sense of guilt hit right through me. I couldnt take it anymore as more tears flowed. I dont deserve to cry. We talked and talked and u asked me a series of questions on sweetness. When u said its not in your nature to be sweet, it made me realise my mistake. I shouldnt be looking for qualities that my gf doesnt have. Instead i should just ignore that and focus on other qualities which she have. This made me realise sweetness isnt everything as much as i want my gf to have that. Its perfectly fine even if my gf is not sweet as i had hoped. On 25Oct, i made a promise not only to her but also to myself that im not going to be tempted by other girls who maybe sweeter then my darling cause there are bound to be many of them out there! However, it would be very hard to find another girl who love me as much as Pei Wen does. And for that, im very grateful.
Sorry dear dear, for having the thought that you were not the right one for me. Of course you're. I would be blind not to see it. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you and discover more on what love has to offer. This is a very heavy lesson i've learnt in the hardest way and i hope people out there dont follow my mistake as it would cause alot of hurt to the one you love. In my case, my special someone i loved so much got hurt so badly she have every right to kick me away. I knew i was lucky to still be her bf aft 25Oct. Tonite, i'll be thinking of her question before going to bed.
Will you still want me even if im not sweet?
Ans. Yes dear. I already knew the answer, I still want to be with you EVEN IF you're the most unsweet girl i knew. Thats because i love you. Yes i mean it. You showed me the love you had for me and now its my turn to show you more of my love for you. I wanna apologise to you again for hurting you so badly and accusing you for not being loving when you're not being sweet. I hope not to ever hurt you like this again. I'll try my very best not to ever repeat my mistake and i'll need your help to help your fucking dumbass bf not to ever have second thoughts or have doubts over your love for him. For i know now, im really lucky to have a gf like you.
I LOVE YOU DEAR!!
`iRained
signing off at 10:24 AM
